Dear Faithful Reader,

Roses are red, violets are blue; Valentine’s Day sucks, and you probably do too.

Let me begin by saying that I am by no means a bitter single dude; I love being single. I can do whatever I want. That’s the perfect way to go about college. I also love myself a lot, so I guess it’s the perfect match this weekend.

No one needs a certain holiday to prove that they really love somebody. So when I was approached to create a Valentine’s edition of What Grinds My Gears, I couldn’t possibly say no. Let’s get it on!

…You know what really grinds my gears? Elementary School Valentine’s Day parties.

This was the one holiday I absolutely hated back in the days of adolescence. It was great getting the cards with your favorite characters on them, but filling them out was an agonizing process.

“Oh man, there are hearts on this one. I can’t give that to her! She’ll think I like like her. I’ll give her the one with Squidward on it instead.” The struggle was real, let me tell you.

Then came the actual party during school. Valentine’s treats are great, but putting your cards into another person’s bag was one of the scariest times of the year. Especially if girls were watching you do it.

For some reason girls scared me in elementary school. I was an odd kid…

…You know what really grinds my gears? Restaurants for the holiday.

I find it absolutely ridiculous that people find the need to book reservations at a fancy place specifically on February 14. What makes dinner that night so special? I’m sure you could go any other night to the same place and save a ton of money. Restaurant pricing is absolutely insane on Valentine’s Day. The fact that some McDonald’s are even on the Valentine’s bandwagon is pathetic in its own, but that’s a whole other rant.

…You know what really grinds my gears? How schools subsequently plan some sort of safe sex presentation the week of Valentine’s Day.

Alright, so this is pretty self explanatory. The sex rate on Valentine’s Day is higher than an average day, no doubt. Do schools really need to shove information down students’ throats? No,  not at all. If somebody is stupid about having sex, that’s their own fault. Don’t make the kids who are doing it right suffer through an agonizing presentation.

…You know what really grinds my gears? Valentine’s Candy Hearts

Valentine’s Candy Hearts are the absolute worst. You know, the one’s with the little messages on them? Has anyone ever enjoyed eating those? I’m going to bet no. I love candy, but I just can’t get behind them. Disgusting.

…You know what really grinds my gears? Cupid.

Okay, so this is pretty vague, but come on now! Whoever created the character couldn’t have been a little more creative? A flying baby who shoots you in the caboose with an arrow and makes you fall in love? Cupid’s creator should have done something of his own with that arrow.

…You know what really grinds my gears? How materialistic the holiday is.

As I said before, there is no need to devote a specific day to prove to somebody that you love them. If you love someone, you’re going to show them every day. Though, for Valentine’s Day it becomes all about “what you’re doing” and “what you’re getting.” Frankly, no one cares.

A gift has so much more meaning when it isn’t expected. Why not show that special person you love them on a random day; something like August 12? That seems like a great random date for gift giving in my opinion.

…You know what really grinds my gears? Public displays of affection on V-Day

PDA in general is unnecessary, but for some reason people tend to be even more touchy feely for the day of love. Get a room and suck face as much as you please. Just don’t block my walkway. I have places to be.

…You know what really grinds my gears? Secret admirers.

Now, though I can never say that I have had a secret admirer, I have put fake love letters in friends lockers to make them believe that they have. This is where it becomes an issue for me. If you are really dumb enough to believe that somebody would actually do something like this, you have another thing coming. If the person isn’t confident enough to approach you in person and hides behind a piece of paper, forget about them. Simple as that.

This has been a very heartfelt edition of What Grinds My Gears.

Love,

Matt <3